I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
