Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
