this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
