My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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