You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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