wanna go halves on a baby?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
