he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
