Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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