I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just found puke in my bra..
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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