worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
