You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
