xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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