Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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