I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
