wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
