Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
