Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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