Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just gift wrapped bread.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
