i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Pants are for mortals
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
