the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The uberlube is also flammable
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
