i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
