your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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