I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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