if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
