A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
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I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
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But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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