Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
