Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
