Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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