he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
