I'm jealous of your bromance
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
