She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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