Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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