i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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