I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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