there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
