Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Two words: blizzard sex
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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