I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
