I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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