I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
