Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
