I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
