I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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