My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
