Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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