shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
