whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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