The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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