yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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