Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
