Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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