Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
