i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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