im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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