help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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