babies were throwing up all over the place
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
