yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
