3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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