I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
is wine microwaveable?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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